As I plod through the weeks since my last treatments, every week is better and better and I am feeling pretty much like my old self again. I am still tired by the end of the day, and my old ADHD is not as prevelant as it once was.
My memory is still not too good (one of the side effects of chemo). I have a hard time remembering things that I have known instantly for years. Right now, I can't remember something that I couldn't remember this morning! But the doctor says that will come back. My toes are still numb, that's also a side effect. Doc says that that might or might not go away. (Try wearing flip flops with numb toes !) On the positive side, numb toes are a small price to pay for being cancer free, so that's a good thing. Neuropathy is the medical name for it. How I can remember that and not remember something I've known all my life such as my best friend's middle name or how much postage costs right now is beyond my comprehension.
I worked a trade show last weekend and was pretty proud of myself that I made it through the weekend pretty well. I did get short of breath a couple of times and had to stop and breathe a few minutes. It was over 100° outside and I was walking around the Alamo taking pictures, so that wasn't too bad. The first night after working all day I was really tired and fell into bed before 9:00pm. But the next night my body must have been getting used to standing all day and talking to people, and I was much less tired that night.
My hair is growing back now, it's about an inch long, completely different from the way it was before it fell out. It's very curly and wavy, and almost completely white. (I'm not sure how white it was before, since I colored it for the last 50 years.) Everyone I see has to come and feel my hair, it's very soft and I look like a little white duckling, they say. I went in the other day for my regular CT scan and there were about 4 other women who's hair was in various stages of being there and not being there. We had such fun comparing our hair or lack of it.
Your attitude changes a lot after cancer, I will never dye my hair again because I don't want those chemicals that might harm me so close to my brain any more. No more fake fingernails either. Some of that awful smelling stuff might seep into my blood stream and hurt my little soldiers (white blood cells) that fight the cancer cells off.
You are never the same again. The good thing is that it's a good thing. You wake up realizing that every day is precious and important. Things that you put off before need doing now. You need to tell people who have made a difference in your life that they are important to you, and the ones who you have harmed by your words or deeds ? You need to make amends to them. It's important for you, not them.
When I was young, my Dad left us for another woman, and we had a friend that helped us with carpentry work and plumbing and things women have a hard time doing. We paid him, but he was always just a phone call away. I remember asking him questions that a girl might ask her Dad, and he was always able to tell me the right answer, or at least an answer that satisfied my curiousity. (He had 12 kids, and he did yards in our small town, and he put all those 12 kids through college doing yards.) I didn't know it until later, but he was a preacher on the weekends. So I guess God sent me someone that He knew could help me.
He is in his 90's now, and I called him and told him that he meant a lot in my life and I just wanted to tell him that. I'm not even sure that he remembered what I was talking about. But it was important for me to tell him. I even wrote a note and sent pictures of my children and told him that I hoped that I had helped my kids as much as he had helped me. I never heard anything back, but that's ok. Everyone who passes through your life is important for one reason or another.
The folks at the cancer center are amazing and they are there mostly because they knew someone with cancer or took care of someone that had it. Most nurses and radiologists went to work there because of something like that happened in their life and I believe that is why the people who work with cancer patients have just a little special quality or understanding that maybe other people in that profession don't have. That makes them special to those of us who have the disease. I am so grateful to them. And to the other cancer patients who were there and the ones who are coming through the center now. We all look at each other with such a compassion and apathy.
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